“Know the rules well, so you can break them effectively.”
― Dalai Lama XIV
Yesterday was day 11 of my emotional eating cleanse.
I feel like a prisoner of my own body. I’m wring all of these wonderful things that makes so much sense, but at the same time, failing to follow my own advice. How often does that happen to you?… Yesterday I did really great. I listened to what I wanted to eat. I was in the middle of eating some soup for lunch when I realized it wasn’t soup that I wanted. So I put it back in the tupperware and ate an apple and a cup of greek yogurt. I felt powerful, in control of my own self! And that felt amazing! The whole day I was listening to my body and doing what it wanted until I got home.
At home it’s always a different story, for some reason… WHY?? This is what I’ve been trying to find out.
I realized during the day that my stomach had started to growl. And this is one of the things I”m gonna do for now on: to eat when I’m hungry; only when I have no doubt about it: when my body is growling (screaming) for me to eat – this way I will know for sure I’m eating when I’m hungry, not because I think I am (because you know, our brains DO play tricks on us). As soon as I pulled up in the garage I started thinking: “What do I want to eat? What do I have in the fridge? I could eat anything right now!”. So I step in my house and, for my surprise, my boyfriend had cleaned the whole downstairs!! 🙂 What a wonderful surprise that was! To walk in to a nice clean house! That made me so happy!! (reason to celebrate with foods?) Tony even had a candle burning in the living room and the entire house smelled like Yankee Candle’s Kitchen Spice. (Yummm…)
I got extremely happy with him because he was really nice and cute, gave him a nice hug, and then I tried to “freeze” his back with a cold skillet pan that I was holding 🙂 hehehe… we started playing with each other and he tried to freeze my butt with some frozen vegetables, but needless to say, the bag was open and Zephyr (my dog) was the one who benefitted from our silliness! — at least he ate organic! LOL
No big deal. I still had half bag to cook with. Tony had already eaten dinner, and while he was upstairs doing something on his computer I NEEDED TO EAT SOMETHING ASAP! So, the first thing I did? Ate 2 spoons of peanut butter with some honey on top.
After I ate that I asked myself: “Why??? If you waited 10 more minutes, dinner would have been ready… Jiff’s peanut butter and non-organic honey in a spoon goes so against what you are trying to do here.”
And I answered: “But I was starving!”
“Well, you were starving when you got home, too. But as soon as you got distracted and had fun you stopped starving, did you notice it?”
“That’s right… but how did that happen?”
“Were you dreading anything you needed to do last night? Was there something you needed to get done that you didn’t want to?”
“Yes. I had told myself I needed to go to the gym last night, but I was really tired to do so.”
“So that’s probably why you ate the peanut butter. To take away the anxiety or anticipation to do something you didn’t want to. You thought that eating peanut butter was going to make your feelings go away. Could that be possible?”
“Very much so.”
“And did you end up going to the gym anyway?
There you go. I think this makes a lot of sense… But you know what? I didn’t let that ruin my night. I let it go. It was just 2 spoons of peanut butter and that wasn’t going to ruin my mood. So I kept cooking. I cooked mixed vegetables and tilapia and it smelled so incredibly good! As I was getting done cooking I asked myself:
“Are you hungry?”
But I ate anyways. My reason for that was I spent “all this time” cooking (probably 15 minutes) and I’m not going to not eat it.. it doesn’t even make sense not to eat something I just cooked and that smells so good! Yes, it would have made sense… I shouldn’t have eaten it. The 2 spoons of peanut butter filled me up. I should have waited a little bit longer to eat my dinner, because eating it lead me to feel guilty and regret my decision. Now I was too full.
That feeling of guilt and regret made me want to (subconsciously) hurt myself. My boyfriend came downstairs while I was watching a little TV and I said: “Sweetie, I am dying for some cheese biscuits! The ones only you know how to make! Do you feel like eating some too?” And he said “that sounds great, let me go to the store and get us some.” (Notice, this was around 9:30pm…) He comes back from the store with ice-cream… :/ And so I’m like:
“Where are the cheese biscuits??”
“OMG! I don’t know why I went straight to the ice-cream isle..! I’m so used to going there to get ice-cream! I’m so sorry!”
(now here comes mad Gabi)
“Are you serious?? I was dying to eat some cheese biscuits and you go all the way to the store to surprise me with ice-cream?? I’m trying to eat what my body tells me to (I was really just lying to myself — sorry Babe) — and you are not helping me at all!!” — sorry Babe!!!
So I took out on my boyfriend the madness I felt for myself. I was really unfair with him!… Oh, and you wonder if I ate the ice-cream he brought home? … Of course! And you know why? Because I had someone to blame. So, so wrong…
But now I’m aware. Now I know that this all happened because of my anxiety about working out or about “having” to do something I didn’t want to. If I just had said to myself “Gabi, if you don’t want to do it, you don’t have to; don’t worry, you are safe” those 2 spoons of peanut butter wouldn’t have gone down my throat and this emotional snow ball wouldn’t have started to form.
Something I learned from living yesterday was: not only should I eat only when I’m hungry, I should also give myself permission to do what I want when I want to. It’s ok to break my own rules. I just need to KNOW and FEEL that way.
Another thing that I learned from yesterday: Do not have candles that smell like foods in your house! They can be your worst enemy some times! hehehe
Be well everyone!
Your Health Coach,
Eminent Health – Choose To Be Healthy
October 4th, 2013
Here’s the enemy!