“To serve is beautiful, but only if it is done with joy and a whole heart and a free mind.”
Pearl S. Buck (1892-1973);
Writer, Nobel And Pulitzer Prize Winner
Day 4 of my cleanse was yesterday, but I got home too tired to write, so I’m writing now! 🙂
Yesterday was such a busy day for me!
I got up really early to attend to my networking meeting. I had such little energy… I just wanted to go back to sleep. I actually thought about skipping the meeting this time, but then realized I wasn’t being able to fall back asleep so it just made sense to get up and get moving.
I look at myself in the mirror… Ugh! My face was covered by pimples… well, I’m exaggerating, but for someone who rarely has zits on my face, 5 is a high number. So I decided to put on some make up. (On a daily basis I rarely use anything other than just eye liner). Now this is weird: The thought of putting make up on makes me feel lazy, but I actually like putting in on. Does this make any sense to anybody at all?
Anyway, I went to my Thursday morning meeting and one of the first things I heard from one of the members was: “Wow, you look pretty today!” That comment made me smile, say thank you, and tell the person that I had put on make-up – that’s why I looked different, and the reason why I had put on make up was bla bla bla… did I really need to say any of that??… why couldn’t I just stop at “thank you”?. I felt really stupid. Then I actually remembered I had make up on my face (funny how we forget we are wearing make up because we are not looking at ourselves constantly)… And of course my Inner Self started to have a little battle between its Conscious Being (CB) and Emotional Being (EB).
CB: “See, you can only look pretty when you wear make up!”
EB: “But your friend only wanted to make you smile.”
CB: “Why don’t people say I look good when I’m not wearing make up then?”
EB: “They actually do, but you don’t hear it.”
CB: “(silence) … … … Oh…”
EB: “So start accepting compliments.”
CB: “Ok. – And yes, I need to say the last word.”
I’m glad this little battle didn’t last long enough to ruin the meeting for me. I gotta admit though that someone asked me a question out loud as I was having this inner battle with myself and my public speaking was terrible during that 30 second answer… :/
But anyway, the rest of the day was just rush rush rush. I didn’t bring much to eat with me during the day, and I was STARVING the whole entire day. The good news is that I was so busy I didn’t have much time to think about it anyway 🙂
When I thought my day was close to be over I went home and ate some kale chips, but not enough to satisfy my hunger. Then I remembered I had to go to my church because I had agreed to volunteer helping them make phone calls to teach the church members about the new building construction that’s going on. My first thought? “OH, NOOOOOOO!! I’ve been up since early in the morning and I just want to stay home, eat some more, and relax!!”.
But I drove to church. I got there 10 minutes earlier because I don’t like being late anywhere I go; but came to find out I was 40 minutes early. So I crashed into the meeting prior to mine without realizing what I had done. While I felt very out of place, the pastor of the church and some other volunteers were looking right at me while I was acting totally discombobulated!! And they were able to keep their track of thought (very impressive, I don’t think I would have been able to do that)! Well, I was walking back and forth from the front door to the meeting room thinking: “Should I just wait in the car? That looks so anti-social, they already saw you. But this is not my meeting. I don’t want to be annoying to anyone. Let me pretend I’m busy checking email on my phone here in the kitchen while they finish their meeting. Oh gosh, I just wanna go home. I’m so stupid. Why didn’t I double-checked the time of my meeting before I drove here?…”
So the pastor’s wife got up and went to talk to me in the kitchen (you can see the kitchen from the meeting room, because there’s no wall separating them). The first thing I said to her before she even said anything was: “I’m so sorry for interrupting your meeting! I’m here for the next meeting. I’m really early. Please don’t mind me.” But she invited me to sit with them and be a part of their meeting circle. I still felt out of place like I “crashed” into someone’s wedding party without being invited, but that sounded better than standing in the kitchen pretending that I was busy.
It was nice to hear people talk. Everyone there were volunteers. I was able to introspect about the act of volunteering: so many people there (about 20), probably wearing the same clothes they wore during their work hours, talking to each other about how to help our church, giving their time and not receiving anything (material) in return. Isn’t that beautiful? And I am a part of it! 🙂 That made my heart smile big and be proud of myself. Yes, I want to matter to my community and touch people’s lives. That’s actually my work missions. So I felt like I fit in that circle. It felt so good!!
We held hands, we laughed, we prayed.
When that meeting was over I got to meet the people from the meeting I actually belonged to. And for whatever reason, that was a nice relief (I guess I was still feeling a little uncomfortable then). I also talked to my pastor for a little while and really enjoyed that as well. I gave a couple of tips during the meeting and people loved my tips – so much that my pastor asked everyone to take notes. I had a very strong reaction to that: I could feel my face, neck, and chest on fire! They were probably really red too (well, now that I’m thinking of it, not my face, cause I was wearing make-up! Hahahaha).
But why did I get so nervous when my pastor complimented me? Why did I get so nervous when that person in my morning meeting complimented me? My Emotional Being knows this answer… I just need to be okay and feel okay when someone says something nice about me! Now I just need to really work on that.
I got home late, but hunger-free. I was really thirsty though. I drank a tall glass of water and was able to relax, in peace.
S2 to all,
September 27th, 2013