“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” – Buddha
Yesterday was day 8 of my cleanse. I woke up and wrote my Morning Pages. Some very interesting things that I wasn’t aware were bothering me anymore, came up to surface. Like I said on my last post, that’s why Morning Pages are great, they reveal some of your emotions you thought you lost touch of.
It’s very funny how our thought process is as we are waking up. Nothing really makes sense. I want to copy part of my morning pages from yesterday here, for you to have an example of how it goes. Notice that there’s no right or wrong, no chronological order, no track of thought, and your handwriting will be very hard to read!
So here it goes:
“I am so tired. I just want to sleep. Why is that every time I”m having the most relaxing dream I have to get up? I just want to close my eyes. Zephyr [my dog] looks so peaceful. I don’t like my hair. I think my hair being short helps bring my self esteem down. I shouldn’t have cut it. Or I should blow dry it every time I wash it. I hate blowdrying my hair. School has been stressing me out. I can’t wait for it to be over. I’m always tired. Maybe because I’m getting old. The water flush is disgusting. I need a vacation. Why do I think I shouldn’t be writing the word “I” or “my” all the time? It sounds narcissistic. I hope Heitor [my younger brother] is ok. He was upset yesterday. I hope my mom feels better from her cold today. I haven’t heard from Arthur [my older brother] in a while. I wonder if he even misses me. He never reaches out. Does he even think of me? I gotta clean Bambu [my cat]‘s litter box. It’s gonna be disgusting. I need to rest but I need to clean my house.”
Isn’t this interesting? We go from one thought to the next, to the next, to the next. The 2 points I thought was important for my internal growth was when I bring up my hair and about Arthur. Those 2 things have been on my mind for a while but I haven’t expressed how I feel about it in a very long time. Now I can actually do something about those things.
I know I don’t like my hair the way it is now and there’s nothing I can do about it besides blowdrying it. It can’t grow overnight! So, if I don’t feel like blowdrying it, I should just relax and try to be in peace with it, instead of having something bothering me all the time without me even knowing what that thing is. Also, I miss my older brother. It bothers me that we don’t talk to each other and that I don’t even know what’s going on with him and his life… it hurts my feelings. (My entire family lives in Brazil, I’m the only one here, except for a fraternal cousin of mine who lives in RI, but unfortunately we don’t talk much anymore…. that’s gotta change too!). But anyway, I need to get in touch with my brother and tell him how I feel. And I know exactly what he’s going to say to me: “Oh, Bidelinhas (this means ‘little bidelas’, in portuguese. Bidelas means nothing whatsoever, but it’s a word he made up when we were little and it stuck forever… my pet name), I miss you too… you know, I’ve been very busy with work but we need to stay more in touch. I love you, Bidelinhas.” But then we won’t talk for another 6, 7 months… Well, maybe we can come up with a plan not to have this happen again. That’s what we need to talk about.
Well, so yesterday the day started out well, I did my yoga with Bambu on top of me and Zephyr glued to my side and I didn’t get annoyed! 🙂 I drank my lime water with maple syrup and cayenne pepper and was feeling great. Then I went to a meeting, and went to my office – it was around 11 am. As soon as I get to my office I have 3 voice messages: one from a client, from the day before, having to reschedule her 4 pm appointment, and 2 from another client whom I haven’t heard from for about 8 months or so. The first message he left was him trying to find my office (I relocated in July). Now, the second message was horrible…. He said something like this: “So… I’m here at your office. It’s 10:15 and there’s no one here. This is unbelievable! That’s why I hate hearing people say that the economy of this country is bad; because there’s people like you who don’t show up for work.” (!!!!!) He went on and on and on about that… I couldn’t believe my ears and had to listen to that message about 3 times.
My first reaction to that: “OMG! I forgot to write down his appointment day/time, or maybe my computer didn’t save it… but wait, I don’t even remember talking to him on the phone and scheduling his appointment. I might be getting crazy… let me call him and apologize.”
As I was calling him back I thought: “But wait, he shouldn’t have left a message like that EVEN if I did have forgotten to put him on my schedule. He shouldn’t have talked to me like that during his worst day!”. He didn’t pick up the phone and I left him a message saying “I’m sorry, I probably messed something up, I didn’t have you on my appointment book, please call me back so I can reschedule your appointment, bla bla bla.” But I couldn’t stop thinking of how insulted I was feeling. And I swallowed my feelings…. WHY?? I should have told him it was not ok for him to leave a message to me like that, because I have never mistreated him or anyone else, and I don’t deserve being talked to like that.
But anyway, he called me back like if he was having the best day of his life; didn’t apologize for anything, and told me he didn’t have an appointment with me; that he was just stopping by for me to take a look at a muscle that was hurting to see if I could figure out the reason…. I ended up seeing him at my 4pm slot and didn’t bring anything up, but my self esteem stayed low the whole entire day after listening to that message.
I guess the lesson I learned from yesterday was: Do not swallow your feelings. About anything! When my beloved grandma Ignez was alive, she used to tell me that the best way to keep yourself from arguing was to fill your mouth with water without the other person noticing it, and not swallowing it. This way you wouldn’t respond to the person and the argument would be over soon. I have done this in the past many times and that does help — THE OTHER PERSON, NOT ME!. Now I got used to being quiet and accepting being talked to… I gotta change this ASAP. My grandma was very wise and I know she probably had reasons to do what she did. This helped me a lot in the past – and probably saved me from getting in a lot of trouble – but I don’t need this anymore.
From now on I will spit out my feelings: the good and the bad ones. It’s not hard for me to tell someone I love them (and I will call my brother and tell him that!) and it shouldn’t be hard for me to tell them I don’t like something about them too.
I have learned that people who hold their feelings in end up having some type of throat problem — whether something related to their voice or even thyroid problems… No wonder why my grandma, my mom, and myself have thyroid issues… Now that’s something to think about!
Have a great day, everyone! Happy October!
S2 and water spits,
S2 Holistic Life – Be Willing To Love Yourself
By the way, Buddha is right. I little bird just told me that the marks on the Angry Bird’s face are coal stain marks! 😛
October 1st, 2013